With no Companion

We humans are really vulnerable creatures. Animals are vulnerable because of absence of physical abilities,  but they have little to worry about emotionally. They don't have memories or the ability to ruminate over thoughts or things. We humans, on the other hand, may be all capable we are but are rendered handicapped when it comes to unmanageable emotions.
We are vulnerable to love sometimes and sometimes vulnerable because of it.
Love alone is not a lethal weapon, but when memories have enough love, they can destroy you. They are sometimes kind enough to kill you, at other times, we don't die, but we don't die either.
In each of these circumstances, you have a reason to live or  die.
Just when you think that worse is over, you realize that it is when you have neither love, nor memories, thats when you start dying. You can never put your finger on anything, you can only feel something smothering you, slowly. You want to fight but you know not what fight for or what to fight against.
You listen to music, but it holds no significance for you! You have no places to go to and be happy or sad about.
All you want to do is fall into arms of familiarity even if it comes from sadness. That one thing that nobody wants, sadness, gives you relief. Grief and pain, that people spend their lives running away from, feels like a drop of rain in a desert.
It is hard to even imagine what someone who has no memories may live with or without. It is unfortunate.
But, what about someone, who has never been in love? Who hasn't experienced love? Someone, who cannot think of a face when they listen to a love song? Someone who has no grief to cry for and no smile to live for. Someone who walks without an aim? Someone who cannot possibly shed a tear for a loved one? Is it not just as bad, if not worse? I will never know. I certainly wonder, but I don't want to know.

Vacancy for a Friend!

I know I make too many pointless confessions too often. But, here comes another one.
I am a pampered child and I am not oblivious of the fact. Anyone who thinks they can tell me that and break my heart, can start looking for something else to say. Because, this is something I am really proud of.
Well, this post isn't really about me being pampered. It is about the fact that people tend to build wrong impressions when they get to know this fact. And it is worse when its guys who think that pampered brats are easier to date because they are vulnerable and attention seeking freaks. Well, I would not want to comment on that. But, when it comes to me, here is an advice: don't even try.
I am not looking to be pampered, no. I am not looking for someone to open doors for me. I am not looking for someone to pay for my meals, either. All I am looking for is a friend. A friend I can hang out with. I have no intention of disturbing anyone at 4 in the morning. No, I am not looking for a best friend forever. Just somebody is can suit up to go to Juhu beach with me at 2 AM if I get a chance to jump off the walls of my hostel someday. Somebody, who is okay with twisting his ankles bungee jumping; even if he cannot fall head over heels in love. Somebody, who would take me to theater and promise not to snore when he sits by my side. Somebody, who can watch a crappy movie every weekend and sit and just talk if it sucks beyond expectations. Somebody, I can try all the new cuisines available in this new big city of Mumbai. Somebody, who can cater to all my stupid whims and caprices. I am looking for a friend here. Any candidates?

The Tyranny of the opposite Sex

I always fall for the wrong guys. The guys who are emotionally unavailable, the ones who analyze relationships to the point of irrationality, the ones who just want to flirt, the ones who are in love with somebody else, the ones who are in love with just themselves, the vain ones, the “treat-only-to your-eyes”, the plain dumb ones; I have liked each kind at one or the other point.

And I genuinely loved these people. Mother Teresa had once said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them”. I admire the sheer beauty of these lines and believe in giving everybody a fair chance before I make opinions about them. I believe in giving people the benefit of doubt. When a guy tells me he cares about me, I believe him and I do not understand the truth until he demonstrates otherwise by forgetting everything that is dear to me including my birthday.

I believe all those tiny little hints he drops to let me know that he likes me, and just when I am about to fall head over heels for him, I find out that he has done that at least 10 times before. How am I supposed to believe him?

There was one who told me he loved me for about 100 consecutive nights and then failed to answer tiny questions like my favourite colour and if ate Chinese cuisine, embarrassing me in front of my friends.

I have had really hard luck when it comes to love. The opposite sex has been really unkind to me. Or rather, I have made some wrong decisions, in my drive to date only “the different” ones. Ab dekho different hi milta hai, humesha!

I take a vow today to never date again (Vows can obviously be broken in case of exceptional situations!;-)). The wisdom of my dating years suggests that there is nothing better than an arranged marriage. Not only does it come with a better chance of success, it will also have an element of surprise (or shock!). It may sound like a defeatist attitude but trust me; there is wisdom in letting go.

PS. Any resemblance to any person, dead or alive, is purely INTENTIONAL. If I happen to die before I find love, I vow to come back and haunt each one of these souls!

I'll put you together again!!

Here's a beautiful song, I wanted to share wid everyone!!

When you can't take any more
when you feel your life is over
put down your tablets and
pick up your pen and
I'll put you together again.

Of your faith withers away
if God can't bring you your answer
write me a letter I'll read it and then
I'll put you together again.

Put us together
together again

put us together again
when things look hopeless
just write me and then
I'll put you together again.

If there's no light anywhere

and you've got no one to turn to
I'll lead you out of the darkness and then
I'll put you together again.

Put us together
together again

put us together again
drop me a few lines
telling me when and I'll
put you together again.

When things look hopeless
just write me my friend and
I'll put you together again.
do some tastin'.

Fought with my boss,
Got fired from my job,
Wept a little,
couldn't sob for long.
My phone rang 50 times every hour,
but I couldn't take a call,
Donned my best dress,
went out to the bar.
Alone I sat,
celebrating my fall,
along came a man,
he narrated to me, my story,
like a know it all.
Alone I had wept, all my life,
shy of showing my tears and fears,
here stood a man
who was all ears

So, I sat next to him,
I wept, I talk, I kissed and I left,
In that moment, he was perfect, unlike me,
So, that's how I let his memory be.

I came back home,
to preserve the thought,
I just wrote a poem,
like a poet, last night!

Cleaning my Own Mess

I am in a mess and the worst part is that I created it. I am in it because of a lot of mistakes and bad decisions that I have taken over time. I always pick the wrong people; chase them like my life depends on them and then wake up to reality that their life would still be the same without me. I meet lovely people all the time, but I don’t find them interesting enough. The “wrong” people are more interesting, I guess.

I don’t like the people who like me and run after those who seem hard to get. Typical.

This is just about friends and relationships. Even when it comes to work; I procrastinate, never prioritize, hate to work, and love things that won’t help my career in any manner whatsoever.

I have known it all along, but have procrastinated what I should have done a long time ago: change things that I hate. Waking up to nightmares, I found myself in a real mess a few days ago. Change was absolutely inevitable for my survival.

Fortunately, life gives you a second chance.

And I have consciously bought this chance from my life and have paid a heavy price for it.

 I have followed my instincts. I have been as whimsical as I could, because I could afford it. I was pampered and tricked into believing that there are free lunches but there are none.  But, I have paid heavily for them with my self-esteem. So, here I stand at a cross road of my life where I absolutely have to make a decision. And I have. I am going to take charge of life, have an ambition, persevere and walk the rest of the path with my head held high.

So, as a resolution, I am going to give up my whimsical actions, live with normal people (as in stick to people who like me), and set my work at the place of highest priority on my list and move forward in my life.

If I don’t like living in this mess, I will be the one who will clean it.

Chapter 9: A Day Without Him

As I sit with nothing to do, I think about him. About 57000th time since the morning. I take out my phone from my pocket.I look at the screen of my phone with disappointment. Nothing. No texts and no missed calls. Please don't get me wrong, there are 7 unread texts, some of them are actually from some people I like. But, there is no text from Shashank, the guy I desperately want it to be from.
An incident of this kind brings my life to a standstill. An infinite loop of some type begins in my mind with his name and things related to him taking over. I can barely think about anything else. I get my friends worried because, like today, I don't read their texts and don't reply to them either.
Some of them who are familiar with these situations that I fall into, call by evening to make sure that I am okay. Some of them call to make fun of me. Both these things help, it takes my mind off the loop for a little while  and lightens the mood.
I love these people who care about me and hate the guy who puts me through so much misery. And yet, the paradox.
By the time, I have finished talking to my friends and cursed Shashank enough, it is late at night. And I am very angry. I have thought of a million reasons why he may not have called and I can't seem to justify any of them. A lot of bad thoughts creep in and it takes a lot of effort to get rid of them. I tell myself that there is nothing to worry about. I hate myself that I have nothing better to do. But, hating him right now just seems like a more relevant thing to do, so I get back to it.
It is late at night and I am sleepy but can't fall asleep because I am still looking at my cell phone.
And when my phone finally vibrates in my hand, I wake up hurriedly from my half-asleep position. I answer the call and shout. I tell him what I went through the entire day. It is not something new, he knows about it very well and yet he listens to me patiently. After having shouted at him as much as I could, I am surprised that he hasn't done much talking. And when he finally does, all he says is sorry. And then tells me that he had a busy day but that it wasn't an excuse good enough. And apologizes again. It occurs to me that I had just over-reacted and am surprised that he doesn't think that I am crazy.
A silence falls in the conversation when he has apologized and I have nothing to say.
I finally ask him, "Are you sure that you don't think I am crazy?"
He smiles and answers that he could never possibly think so. He goes on to explain that statement but I don't pay any attention.
I am just glad that he understands. He always does. It is just one of the zillion million reasons, I love him. :)

He Had a Dream...!!

 This post is dedicated to a friend who had a dream and then gave it up for a a cushy corporate life! He is not alone, and it happens to a lot of people. This is  a post about not following one's dreams.

This day will start out like any other day. You’ll be eating or working or jogging when an idea pops into your head: a grand idea to go somewhere great or do something crazy. You’ll dismiss it like you have a thousand other outlandish ideas and think that you won’t look back because, after all, it’s just another dream. And besides, you haven’t attached yourself to the idea yet; your heart isn’t in it. So you keep eating or working or jogging and try not to think about it anymore. But it keeps coming back: it has landed itself in your mind and its tendrils are wrapping themselves around you, tightening around your brain and your body and your heart. It doesn’t matter what the idea was — a faraway trip, a creative project, a confession — whatever it is it will begin to consume you.
Days go by. Sometimes you indulge in dreaming about the possibilities of this idea, and other times you trap yourself in the impossibilities of it. Every day you try to rid yourself of it, to distract yourself with more eating or working or jogging, with other ideas to which your heart won’t hopelessly attach itself. When that doesn’t work, you surrender just a little bit and try to think of ways you could follow through on this idea without risking as much as you thought you’d have to. Perhaps you can wait a couple years to go on the trip, when you’ll be done with your current job. Maybe you can wait for some fancy grant money to come through to fund your project so you don’t have to worry about doing that and paying rent for the next six months. And that confession? Well, writing it down is almost just as good as saying it in person to that person… so why not just do that?
You spin these webs and congratulate yourself on being mature about the situation by taking inventory of all your options. But after several weeks you realize you’re getting stuck, and that the only way to get unstuck may be the most impossible thing to do. It is also the only thing to do: to follow your heart.
You think about this statement and what it really entails. You realize that “following your heart” holds much more weight and responsibility than your mom once implied on your birthday cards when you were growing up. You have grown up, and now following your heart means actually doing what your entire body and mind are begging you to do, no matter what the risks or consequences. You could lose your job. You could squander your savings. You could get seriously emotionally hurt.
And you’re there. You find yourself in the place of risk and possibility, of mustering the courage and fighting like hell to hold onto it. The adrenaline of making the decision to go for it pulses hot and thick through your body, and you can’t help but imagine gushing to all your friends and even call your parents to tell them. “I’m traveling to this place!” “I’m pursuing this project!” “I’m telling this person how I really feel!” Everyone will be excited for you, proud of you. You’re on your way, kid, and the whole world will know it.
Then your blood starts to cool.
You start trying to figure out the logistics of your plan. You see they might be a bit more complicated than you thought. You psych yourself out as the doubt of your decision creeps, more and more, into your life. You convince yourself more easily than you ever thought possible to back down, to allow cowardice masked as reason to break down the idea you’ve built up. You convince yourself you’re not giving up, just putting it on hold, and that this is the mature thing to do. You are proud of yourself for being so wise, so patient.
And just like that you’ve let it go. The agony of the past several weeks finally dissipates, and you feel relaxed. Content. You carry on with your life. Sometimes you revisit the idea, but only when you’re alone, and only from a distance.
You think everything is fine. But then something starts happening. It catches you off-guard and starts to throw you off balance. It’s something stirring deep in your gut. You don’t know what it is at first, and you try to ignore it. You take some deep breaths, drink a glass of water, and carry on with your day.
But it’s festering now, this stirring which now feels more like a twisting knot. It’s making you angry. You become short with your friends and stop calling your parents. You lash out at anyone who asks you how work is going, or when you plan to travel next, or if there is anything you want to get off your chest. You realize what’s happening, how every time someone asks one of these innocent questions your mind darts back to that moment that you could have quit your job, taken a trip, or made your confession — that moment that has long since passed.
Now there’s not much you can do. You see the grave error you’ve made and beat yourself bloody with guilt and shame for not being true to yourself. You carry on, keeping the worst episodes to yourself so people don’t think you’ve completely lost it. You tell yourself that everything will be okay, that this is not irrevocable. But weeks, months, years down the road, you will never forget that feeling of turning your back on yourself, of that time you stopped following your heart.

I hope my friend reads the post and rethinks about his life!

In Love with my Best Friend? Perhaps.

It is not uncommon for people to fall for their friends. It happens to me all the time. When I get close to a friend of opposite sex, either he develops feelings for me or I develop feelings for him. Either way, it spells doom for our friendship.
I went out with a friend yesterday. We have been friends for a long time now, but we hardly meet. We have talked about almost everything under the sky on phone, like friends do. But, one meeting yesterday was enough to make sparks fly.
Looking at him from across the table in his light blue shirt, it occurred to me that we had not met each other in a long time and it felt great sitting there with him. We had a wonderful conversation over an Irish coffee. I cracked some funny jokes, I know it because he pointed it out as unusual. I was glad. Although I am half convinced that it was the Whiskey talking but, I can't really give 2/9 part of whiskey of my once cup of coffee, all the credit, can I?
I don't want to.
It was a perfect evening and the perfect conversation. I was funny. He was charming and witty. Although I talk to him everyday, he seemed like a different person. Yet, there was a comfort level, I could not ignore.
He walked me to my place and we said goodbye.
He called later at night and I was happier than ever to see his name flash on the screen of my phone. But, the conversation that followed was uncomfortable.
I was conscious and seriously didn't know what to do...or say. But, I spent the entire day, today, brainstorming to come out of this conflicting situation with as little damage to our friendship as possible.
Here is what I came up with.

One can do two things in such a situation:
1. Dodge the feelings.
2. Accept the feelings and do something about it.

The second one is a step by step process.

1. Make sure you are sure it is love.
2. If it is really love, is the time right?
3. Tell them but don't drop the bomb on their head like it really is a bomb. Keep it neat and upbeat.
4. Be ready to take it they don't like you back. End the friendship or keep, but don't hurt yourself more than you should.

Even if  it doesn't end well, no matter how deep your love is, you will get over it. It is just a matter of time. Don't overthink things, it will be alright in the end. It always is.

As for me, I will overthink things and so, I am praying it ends for me at the first step.

Is it love? Probably.
Am I hoping it is not? Hundred percent.

Carpe Diem...!!

I have read 2 books in the last one week and both of them were about people suffering from Cancer.

The first book was fiction-My sister’s keeper.

The second one was the autobiography of Lance Armstrong-“It’s not about the Bike”.

As I read the book, with every word I read, I felt ashamed of myself for worrying about tiny, petty things in life, when there were people out there like Lance Armstrong who are conquering diseases like Cancer.

We give up too easily. We resign to “God’s will” too often. We choose the easier path rather than struggle. Sometimes, accepting that defeat is tiny and at other times as huge as dying of Cancer.

I have personally never fought back.  I think I never found anything worth fighting for. But, I think I am a reason good enough. My dreams are reasons worth fighting for. For once, I am going to stop making excuses and fight. And survive any blows that I get on the way. I am not going to be afraid of failing and go after my dreams. No matter what people say or think.

Carpe diem means “seize the day”. I am going to seize every day like it is an opportunity.

People are going to be real assholes and tell me everything that is wrong with me and tell me a million reasons, I will not succeed. I am going to stay quiet and tell myself that I will because I want to and that more than anything else.

Carpe diem...!! :)

A Rather Sweet Conversation...

Me: I am going to go ahead and destroy myself.
Angel: Okay! Go ahead!
Me: Yeah! I should do it!
Angel: You know I am sick of having taken this role of saying "Go ahead" every time you want to do some thing stupid. You do it, and then I have to take care of you.
How about we exchange the roles?! I do mean things to you and for once, YOU try to take of yourself.
Me: I love you!
Angel: I love you!

A cliché

Everybody says that they are different and no matter how much I try to believe that, I come up with a million reasons that prove that I am a cliché.

I get a new hair style and expect myself to change overnight, you know, like in the movies.

I like chcik-flicks.

I hope my life was like one of them.

I want to be that girl in the movie who can make every thing right.

I am in love with the idea of love.

I want to fall in love but would prefer to be just friends.

I act like a total feminist but still want somebody to pull that chair for me.

Even if I am totally into a guy, I am never going to be the first one to say it.

I go after all the wrong people even when the right ones are begging to stay in my life.

I hate it when I get the taste of my own medicine.

I want to change the world, but prefer to just dream about it.

I like it when people around me are happy.

I like to argue for no reason at all.

I am jealous of too many people around me.

Never trust my instincts.

I like sweets.

I am angry about silly, tiny things only to find a reason to talk.

I want to talk to people, but don't want to call.

I like to think I am different, even though I am not.

I am real cliché. Hey! But, not many people accept that. So, you never know, there might still be some hope!!

A moment and a Distant Memory

 As I sit alone in my room, I feel this really intense need to talk. I pick up my phone and browse through my contacts. Most names are useless, others are eliminated keeping in mind the nature of talk that I want to have. There are a million people you can crack silly jokes around and not care if they laugh, but just a handful you can call otherwise.

As I browse through the contacts, I see a name. A name which seems like a distant memory. I cannot dial the number but, I can almost imagine how the conversation would go. There is an urgent need to dial that number but, I hold on to myself. I try not to give myself away. I try to not make a fool of myself by calling. I want to hear his voice and hear him crack that sarcastic joke most people would not get, but I cannot dial that number.

I want to talk to him and have one sensible conversation where both people understand what the other is saying; a conversation where you don't have to explain the context of every other thing you say. He gets it, and it is really comforting on a tiring day.

I am almost about to surrender to the temptation, when it all comes back.
I remember a good friend but I cannot remember why I let him go. There was no reason for it, when you think about it. But, I wasn't thinking then. I was feeling. I had expectations and on the other end of the phone line was a reluctance to show concern about them. No wise words can ever be soothing enough when you are hurt.

I knew it then and I know it now, that each friendship has its own place in your life, some understand your words, others your silence. It is when you expect everything from one, that the problem begins. I wish I could let my wisdom rule over my impulses. But, I let a friend go.
I miss some clever, some light and some wise conversations sometimes. But, it is just some times. So, I put my phone down. I want to cry but, I am too tired. So, I put off the lights and go to sleep.

Tomorrow will be another day; I almost hear him say.

Tomorrow will be another day, I tell myself.

I've Learned That...

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them;
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back;
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm, for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something;
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it’s place.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re downhill are the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that maturity had more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will get hurt in the process.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.