In Love with my Best Friend? Perhaps.

It is not uncommon for people to fall for their friends. It happens to me all the time. When I get close to a friend of opposite sex, either he develops feelings for me or I develop feelings for him. Either way, it spells doom for our friendship.
I went out with a friend yesterday. We have been friends for a long time now, but we hardly meet. We have talked about almost everything under the sky on phone, like friends do. But, one meeting yesterday was enough to make sparks fly.
Looking at him from across the table in his light blue shirt, it occurred to me that we had not met each other in a long time and it felt great sitting there with him. We had a wonderful conversation over an Irish coffee. I cracked some funny jokes, I know it because he pointed it out as unusual. I was glad. Although I am half convinced that it was the Whiskey talking but, I can't really give 2/9 part of whiskey of my once cup of coffee, all the credit, can I?
I don't want to.
It was a perfect evening and the perfect conversation. I was funny. He was charming and witty. Although I talk to him everyday, he seemed like a different person. Yet, there was a comfort level, I could not ignore.
He walked me to my place and we said goodbye.
He called later at night and I was happier than ever to see his name flash on the screen of my phone. But, the conversation that followed was uncomfortable.
I was conscious and seriously didn't know what to do...or say. But, I spent the entire day, today, brainstorming to come out of this conflicting situation with as little damage to our friendship as possible.
Here is what I came up with.

One can do two things in such a situation:
1. Dodge the feelings.
2. Accept the feelings and do something about it.

The second one is a step by step process.

1. Make sure you are sure it is love.
2. If it is really love, is the time right?
3. Tell them but don't drop the bomb on their head like it really is a bomb. Keep it neat and upbeat.
4. Be ready to take it they don't like you back. End the friendship or keep, but don't hurt yourself more than you should.

Even if  it doesn't end well, no matter how deep your love is, you will get over it. It is just a matter of time. Don't overthink things, it will be alright in the end. It always is.

As for me, I will overthink things and so, I am praying it ends for me at the first step.

Is it love? Probably.
Am I hoping it is not? Hundred percent.

Carpe Diem...!!

I have read 2 books in the last one week and both of them were about people suffering from Cancer.

The first book was fiction-My sister’s keeper.

The second one was the autobiography of Lance Armstrong-“It’s not about the Bike”.

As I read the book, with every word I read, I felt ashamed of myself for worrying about tiny, petty things in life, when there were people out there like Lance Armstrong who are conquering diseases like Cancer.

We give up too easily. We resign to “God’s will” too often. We choose the easier path rather than struggle. Sometimes, accepting that defeat is tiny and at other times as huge as dying of Cancer.

I have personally never fought back.  I think I never found anything worth fighting for. But, I think I am a reason good enough. My dreams are reasons worth fighting for. For once, I am going to stop making excuses and fight. And survive any blows that I get on the way. I am not going to be afraid of failing and go after my dreams. No matter what people say or think.

Carpe diem means “seize the day”. I am going to seize every day like it is an opportunity.

People are going to be real assholes and tell me everything that is wrong with me and tell me a million reasons, I will not succeed. I am going to stay quiet and tell myself that I will because I want to and that more than anything else.

Carpe diem...!! :)

A Rather Sweet Conversation...

Me: I am going to go ahead and destroy myself.
Angel: Okay! Go ahead!
Me: Yeah! I should do it!
Angel: You know I am sick of having taken this role of saying "Go ahead" every time you want to do some thing stupid. You do it, and then I have to take care of you.
How about we exchange the roles?! I do mean things to you and for once, YOU try to take of yourself.
Me: I love you!
Angel: I love you!

A cliché

Everybody says that they are different and no matter how much I try to believe that, I come up with a million reasons that prove that I am a cliché.

I get a new hair style and expect myself to change overnight, you know, like in the movies.

I like chcik-flicks.

I hope my life was like one of them.

I want to be that girl in the movie who can make every thing right.

I am in love with the idea of love.

I want to fall in love but would prefer to be just friends.

I act like a total feminist but still want somebody to pull that chair for me.

Even if I am totally into a guy, I am never going to be the first one to say it.

I go after all the wrong people even when the right ones are begging to stay in my life.

I hate it when I get the taste of my own medicine.

I want to change the world, but prefer to just dream about it.

I like it when people around me are happy.

I like to argue for no reason at all.

I am jealous of too many people around me.

Never trust my instincts.

I like sweets.

I am angry about silly, tiny things only to find a reason to talk.

I want to talk to people, but don't want to call.

I like to think I am different, even though I am not.

I am real cliché. Hey! But, not many people accept that. So, you never know, there might still be some hope!!

A moment and a Distant Memory

 As I sit alone in my room, I feel this really intense need to talk. I pick up my phone and browse through my contacts. Most names are useless, others are eliminated keeping in mind the nature of talk that I want to have. There are a million people you can crack silly jokes around and not care if they laugh, but just a handful you can call otherwise.

As I browse through the contacts, I see a name. A name which seems like a distant memory. I cannot dial the number but, I can almost imagine how the conversation would go. There is an urgent need to dial that number but, I hold on to myself. I try not to give myself away. I try to not make a fool of myself by calling. I want to hear his voice and hear him crack that sarcastic joke most people would not get, but I cannot dial that number.

I want to talk to him and have one sensible conversation where both people understand what the other is saying; a conversation where you don't have to explain the context of every other thing you say. He gets it, and it is really comforting on a tiring day.

I am almost about to surrender to the temptation, when it all comes back.
I remember a good friend but I cannot remember why I let him go. There was no reason for it, when you think about it. But, I wasn't thinking then. I was feeling. I had expectations and on the other end of the phone line was a reluctance to show concern about them. No wise words can ever be soothing enough when you are hurt.

I knew it then and I know it now, that each friendship has its own place in your life, some understand your words, others your silence. It is when you expect everything from one, that the problem begins. I wish I could let my wisdom rule over my impulses. But, I let a friend go.
I miss some clever, some light and some wise conversations sometimes. But, it is just some times. So, I put my phone down. I want to cry but, I am too tired. So, I put off the lights and go to sleep.

Tomorrow will be another day; I almost hear him say.

Tomorrow will be another day, I tell myself.