Chapter 5: Head over heels and hand-in-hand!

It is one thing to be head over heels in love with someone, to constantly wait to see someone another. May be it isn't.

I didn't know it then. Didn't have much experience with love. Felt like an over grown teenager, things were happening in my life too late if I went by the narrations and chronicles my friends came up with all the time about love. I didn't know much. And, I guess that was the best part.

Naive as I was, I met Shashank all the time, after my class, before my class. My friends talked about not letting the guy being too close to you, too easily. I didn't think so. I told Shashank everything. I think he liked to hear me talk. Every time, there was a discussion, he would hardly give his stance on it and ask me, "What do you think?". Honestly, I didn't know what to say. I hardly had opinions. I would talk about the pros and cons of a situation and take an hour to get to a conclusion. He didn't mind. He would sit there patiently and hear me. He loved to see me all confused and troubled in the conflict to determine what was "right".
Ice-creams and lunches, before and after my class was a daily routine.

Despite that, I didn't know much about him. I was the one who did all the talking. So, it was obvious that he got to know more about me than I got to know about him.

What was not so obvious was that he saw things I didn't say.

It was a well kept secret for years that I took a a fraction of seconds longer than normal to get on an elevator. Nobody noticed because nobody cared. I hate elevators and the only reason I take them is that I have a lazy bone.

There was new restaurant opening at Cannaught Place. He knew all such things, foodie that he was. I was with him when I took the elevator to get to the restaurant that day. When I was about to get on, he saw the look on my face(which doesn't last for more than a second usually, but he caught it), he gave a broad grin and took my hand in his. He should have left it when we got in, but he didn't. And I didn't protest. When we got out, I lead the way and turned around to look into his eyes. I saw something I had never seen. I now know... It was love.

We had a wonderful meal at the restaurant that day. The food did suck, but the company was amazing. The elevator managed to elevate some romance that day. Later, we walked away from there, holding hands into a world both of us were yet to know!

The Break-up

Dear friends,

I had to break-up. Please don't judge me and call me a bitch. Please don't think that I get pleasure in breaking people's heart. I am no sadist. But, I am no masochist either.

I had inflicted enough pain on myself by staying in the relationship. I knew he loved me but, he wouldn't say it. I wasn't imagining things, a woman knows when someone loves her. Or may me he doesn't, who cares? Sick of thinking about it constantly. I could have waited. I did for a long time. But, there comes a point when you know that one step forward is love and one step backward is treachery. I always knew it wouldn't work out. We were too different to be together. But, my heart and mind just don't seem to get along. They don't talk, there is a communication gap and I am the one who suffers.

Yeah, about not being a masochist. I tried to love him unconditionally and without any expectations. I know that is what love is about. Unfortunately, relationships on the other hand, are about expectations, words promises and fulfillment. Yeah, love comes along too but, there are other things in a relationship as well.
So, I will not show a white flag and surrender in love. I think that's is a line from one of Dido's songs. But, as far as this relationship is concerned, I am sick of not being in love in return.
And, that's about it.

And about the "bitch" thing, I am not because I can't be. I tried to work it out but, there comes a point when enough is enough. He should have understood. I am not the only one who has to.

I may not find anyone who loves me, who may not care about me even as much as this guy did, in a lifetime. But, I am 22 and young enough to know, it is big world out there. I will find happiness in something, but here, I give up! Done with it for good!

Yours "no-so-bitchily",
Not-a-Masochist

Chapter 4: When Love brought us Together

It had been a week since I had last seen Shashank. I had asked him to find me, and left the decision of my life to the universe. I had constantly wished to meet the strange man again. In fact, the thought had dominated my mind so much, there was barely anything else I thought about. If the universe still didn't get it, it had to be completely deaf, I knew.

As I walked to British Council, from the metro station, I was disappointed. I had gone to the ice-cream parlour hoping to see him there, everyday in the week gone by and yet, nothing.

In my boring and insipid life, there was a flavour of anticipation and longing. I wanted something, for a change.

What if I had turned down fate when I let him go last time? What if he could not find me? What if he had decided not to find me ...? What if....what if....what if I never saw him again?

The thought was killing me.

I was a few minutes early for my class. I decided to use the time to go to the library and fetch a book for myself.

I picked up each book and thought, "would he still have noticed me if I had held this book instead of the one that led to our first fateful meet?"

Obsessed that I was, constantly thinking about him, I berated myself and started looking for a book to read. I picked up the latest book by Animesh Tripathi, and started to browse through the pages. I hadn't read the first book, so the sequel didn't matter, I thought. I looked up to grab another book.
I looked down into the book quickly.

Did I just see him? I was sure I was hallucinating now. I should look up again, just to check, you know.

And there he was, standing with a copy of "To kill a mocking bird", another one of my favorite books.

In that moment, words seemed irrelevant. When we looked at each other, we knew. We had been looking for each other all week. And all my thoughts disappeared.

I missed my class that day and sat there discussing books with him until we were asked to stay quiet(It was a library, almost didn't seem to notice that!)

We left and sat at a restaurant for a long time. It was only when my phone rang, that I got my senses back.
It was time for me to leave. We said our goodbyes but, this time we had exchanged contact numbers.
We were going to keep in touch. We could not afford not to.

I had always loved books, but now I loved my love for books for it was this love for books that had fixed our meeting this time.