With no Companion

We humans are really vulnerable creatures. Animals are vulnerable because of absence of physical abilities,  but they have little to worry about emotionally. They don't have memories or the ability to ruminate over thoughts or things. We humans, on the other hand, may be all capable we are but are rendered handicapped when it comes to unmanageable emotions.
We are vulnerable to love sometimes and sometimes vulnerable because of it.
Love alone is not a lethal weapon, but when memories have enough love, they can destroy you. They are sometimes kind enough to kill you, at other times, we don't die, but we don't die either.
In each of these circumstances, you have a reason to live or  die.
Just when you think that worse is over, you realize that it is when you have neither love, nor memories, thats when you start dying. You can never put your finger on anything, you can only feel something smothering you, slowly. You want to fight but you know not what fight for or what to fight against.
You listen to music, but it holds no significance for you! You have no places to go to and be happy or sad about.
All you want to do is fall into arms of familiarity even if it comes from sadness. That one thing that nobody wants, sadness, gives you relief. Grief and pain, that people spend their lives running away from, feels like a drop of rain in a desert.
It is hard to even imagine what someone who has no memories may live with or without. It is unfortunate.
But, what about someone, who has never been in love? Who hasn't experienced love? Someone, who cannot think of a face when they listen to a love song? Someone who has no grief to cry for and no smile to live for. Someone who walks without an aim? Someone who cannot possibly shed a tear for a loved one? Is it not just as bad, if not worse? I will never know. I certainly wonder, but I don't want to know.

Vacancy for a Friend!

I know I make too many pointless confessions too often. But, here comes another one.
I am a pampered child and I am not oblivious of the fact. Anyone who thinks they can tell me that and break my heart, can start looking for something else to say. Because, this is something I am really proud of.
Well, this post isn't really about me being pampered. It is about the fact that people tend to build wrong impressions when they get to know this fact. And it is worse when its guys who think that pampered brats are easier to date because they are vulnerable and attention seeking freaks. Well, I would not want to comment on that. But, when it comes to me, here is an advice: don't even try.
I am not looking to be pampered, no. I am not looking for someone to open doors for me. I am not looking for someone to pay for my meals, either. All I am looking for is a friend. A friend I can hang out with. I have no intention of disturbing anyone at 4 in the morning. No, I am not looking for a best friend forever. Just somebody is can suit up to go to Juhu beach with me at 2 AM if I get a chance to jump off the walls of my hostel someday. Somebody, who is okay with twisting his ankles bungee jumping; even if he cannot fall head over heels in love. Somebody, who would take me to theater and promise not to snore when he sits by my side. Somebody, who can watch a crappy movie every weekend and sit and just talk if it sucks beyond expectations. Somebody, I can try all the new cuisines available in this new big city of Mumbai. Somebody, who can cater to all my stupid whims and caprices. I am looking for a friend here. Any candidates?

The Tyranny of the opposite Sex

I always fall for the wrong guys. The guys who are emotionally unavailable, the ones who analyze relationships to the point of irrationality, the ones who just want to flirt, the ones who are in love with somebody else, the ones who are in love with just themselves, the vain ones, the “treat-only-to your-eyes”, the plain dumb ones; I have liked each kind at one or the other point.

And I genuinely loved these people. Mother Teresa had once said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them”. I admire the sheer beauty of these lines and believe in giving everybody a fair chance before I make opinions about them. I believe in giving people the benefit of doubt. When a guy tells me he cares about me, I believe him and I do not understand the truth until he demonstrates otherwise by forgetting everything that is dear to me including my birthday.

I believe all those tiny little hints he drops to let me know that he likes me, and just when I am about to fall head over heels for him, I find out that he has done that at least 10 times before. How am I supposed to believe him?

There was one who told me he loved me for about 100 consecutive nights and then failed to answer tiny questions like my favourite colour and if ate Chinese cuisine, embarrassing me in front of my friends.

I have had really hard luck when it comes to love. The opposite sex has been really unkind to me. Or rather, I have made some wrong decisions, in my drive to date only “the different” ones. Ab dekho different hi milta hai, humesha!

I take a vow today to never date again (Vows can obviously be broken in case of exceptional situations!;-)). The wisdom of my dating years suggests that there is nothing better than an arranged marriage. Not only does it come with a better chance of success, it will also have an element of surprise (or shock!). It may sound like a defeatist attitude but trust me; there is wisdom in letting go.

PS. Any resemblance to any person, dead or alive, is purely INTENTIONAL. If I happen to die before I find love, I vow to come back and haunt each one of these souls!

I'll put you together again!!

Here's a beautiful song, I wanted to share wid everyone!!

When you can't take any more
when you feel your life is over
put down your tablets and
pick up your pen and
I'll put you together again.

Of your faith withers away
if God can't bring you your answer
write me a letter I'll read it and then
I'll put you together again.

Put us together
together again

put us together again
when things look hopeless
just write me and then
I'll put you together again.

If there's no light anywhere

and you've got no one to turn to
I'll lead you out of the darkness and then
I'll put you together again.

Put us together
together again

put us together again
drop me a few lines
telling me when and I'll
put you together again.

When things look hopeless
just write me my friend and
I'll put you together again.
do some tastin'.

Fought with my boss,
Got fired from my job,
Wept a little,
couldn't sob for long.
My phone rang 50 times every hour,
but I couldn't take a call,
Donned my best dress,
went out to the bar.
Alone I sat,
celebrating my fall,
along came a man,
he narrated to me, my story,
like a know it all.
Alone I had wept, all my life,
shy of showing my tears and fears,
here stood a man
who was all ears

So, I sat next to him,
I wept, I talk, I kissed and I left,
In that moment, he was perfect, unlike me,
So, that's how I let his memory be.

I came back home,
to preserve the thought,
I just wrote a poem,
like a poet, last night!

Cleaning my Own Mess

I am in a mess and the worst part is that I created it. I am in it because of a lot of mistakes and bad decisions that I have taken over time. I always pick the wrong people; chase them like my life depends on them and then wake up to reality that their life would still be the same without me. I meet lovely people all the time, but I don’t find them interesting enough. The “wrong” people are more interesting, I guess.

I don’t like the people who like me and run after those who seem hard to get. Typical.

This is just about friends and relationships. Even when it comes to work; I procrastinate, never prioritize, hate to work, and love things that won’t help my career in any manner whatsoever.

I have known it all along, but have procrastinated what I should have done a long time ago: change things that I hate. Waking up to nightmares, I found myself in a real mess a few days ago. Change was absolutely inevitable for my survival.

Fortunately, life gives you a second chance.

And I have consciously bought this chance from my life and have paid a heavy price for it.

 I have followed my instincts. I have been as whimsical as I could, because I could afford it. I was pampered and tricked into believing that there are free lunches but there are none.  But, I have paid heavily for them with my self-esteem. So, here I stand at a cross road of my life where I absolutely have to make a decision. And I have. I am going to take charge of life, have an ambition, persevere and walk the rest of the path with my head held high.

So, as a resolution, I am going to give up my whimsical actions, live with normal people (as in stick to people who like me), and set my work at the place of highest priority on my list and move forward in my life.

If I don’t like living in this mess, I will be the one who will clean it.

Chapter 9: A Day Without Him

As I sit with nothing to do, I think about him. About 57000th time since the morning. I take out my phone from my pocket.I look at the screen of my phone with disappointment. Nothing. No texts and no missed calls. Please don't get me wrong, there are 7 unread texts, some of them are actually from some people I like. But, there is no text from Shashank, the guy I desperately want it to be from.
An incident of this kind brings my life to a standstill. An infinite loop of some type begins in my mind with his name and things related to him taking over. I can barely think about anything else. I get my friends worried because, like today, I don't read their texts and don't reply to them either.
Some of them who are familiar with these situations that I fall into, call by evening to make sure that I am okay. Some of them call to make fun of me. Both these things help, it takes my mind off the loop for a little while  and lightens the mood.
I love these people who care about me and hate the guy who puts me through so much misery. And yet, the paradox.
By the time, I have finished talking to my friends and cursed Shashank enough, it is late at night. And I am very angry. I have thought of a million reasons why he may not have called and I can't seem to justify any of them. A lot of bad thoughts creep in and it takes a lot of effort to get rid of them. I tell myself that there is nothing to worry about. I hate myself that I have nothing better to do. But, hating him right now just seems like a more relevant thing to do, so I get back to it.
It is late at night and I am sleepy but can't fall asleep because I am still looking at my cell phone.
And when my phone finally vibrates in my hand, I wake up hurriedly from my half-asleep position. I answer the call and shout. I tell him what I went through the entire day. It is not something new, he knows about it very well and yet he listens to me patiently. After having shouted at him as much as I could, I am surprised that he hasn't done much talking. And when he finally does, all he says is sorry. And then tells me that he had a busy day but that it wasn't an excuse good enough. And apologizes again. It occurs to me that I had just over-reacted and am surprised that he doesn't think that I am crazy.
A silence falls in the conversation when he has apologized and I have nothing to say.
I finally ask him, "Are you sure that you don't think I am crazy?"
He smiles and answers that he could never possibly think so. He goes on to explain that statement but I don't pay any attention.
I am just glad that he understands. He always does. It is just one of the zillion million reasons, I love him. :)